Knives In My Heart
by love.u.always.mom
Summary: This is an Eris (Eric/Tris) oneshot inspired by the song Trying Not To Love You by Nickelback. What would have happened if Eric had secretly been in love with Tris, starting from Divergent? This follows a somewhat alternate sequence of events where he wrestles with his love for her and what he needs to do for Erudite. Rated T for mild dark themes and some language.


**This is a oneshot that came to mind while listening to the song 'Trying Not To Love You' by Nickelback on repeat today. As always, I own nothing but my own plot. Divergent belongs to Veronica Roth, and the lyrics belong to Nickelback and anyone involved therein. **

**There is one place where I use the movie events instead of the book events, when the initiates get off the train to jump off the building. Instead of having Max greet them, I am using Eric instead because it works better for my plot line.**

**Some of the quotes, all of them belonging to Eric, are quoted directly from Insurgent.**

**Even if you're not a fan of Eric or the pairing, I really hope you enjoy the fic.**

**Please note: This fic contains both Allegiant and Insurgent spoilers. Reading it will give at least one of them away, as this fic is set in the middle of Insurgent and jumps to Allegiant later on.**

**Please leave me a review at the end, they give me joy.**

Eric watched Tris from around the corner of the hallway as she knelt next to a young girl who lay seemingly motionless on the floor and spoke softly. She had figured out the function of the barbs they shot, part of it at least. She stood and began to look around, and he backed up behind the corner where he couldn't be seen, watching her reflection in the glass wall behind him. As soon as she was far enough around to not see him, he strode quickly and silently to her.

_You call to me, and I fall at your feet._

_How could anyone ask for more?_

She said something quietly to the girl on the floor, who quickly got up and ran for the stairs, disappearing after just a moment. Tris looked up then and saw his reflection behind her. Seeing her again was like a breath of fresh air after being away from her for so long. Even if she wasn't his, not being around her still dug at his heart in ways he hadn't even known were possible.

_And our time apart, like knives in my heart._

_How could anyone ask for more?_

He saw moment of terror as she contemplated her options, and he wished desperately he could let her go. It would be so much easier for him if he didn't feel the way he did. He didn't even know when he had fallen for her, only that he had, and it made everything so much harder, because to follow along with what he had to do, he would end up killing her. Yes, it would be much easier to just forget how he felt. Perhaps then he would be able to go along with what he needed to do without feeling the remorse he was now.

_But if there's a pill to help me forget,_

_God knows I haven't found it yet._

_But I'm dying to, God I'm trying to..._

Eric thought back to the first day, the very first time he had seen her. The flash of gray in the door of the train had gotten his attention quickly, from a good hundred feet away. Only the Abnegation would wear something in that shade. He had watched carefully as she grabbed the wrist of the Candor girl - Christina - and ran forward, seen the way she was the first to jump, the braver one. If that moment hadn't made her stand out to him, it would have been soon after, when she had stepped forward to jump before anyone else had showed the slightest bit of inclination. Maybe it had started in that moment, when she had looked him in the eye and stepped forward. Maybe that was the moment he started falling for her.

_'Cause trying not to love you, only goes so far._

_And trying not to need you, is tearing me apart. _

He knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he should not, could not love her, this small, divergent girl from Abnegation. He also knew he was completely helpless for it, but it didn't stop him from resisting, even though it was in vain. And the more he thought of her, the more he loved her. Maybe because she was everything he wanted, and everything he could never have.

_Can't see the silver lining, from down here on the floor._

_And I just keep on trying, but I don't know what for._

_'Cause trying not to love you,_

_Only makes me love you more._

Tris turned around, and it took everything in him not to flinch back at the burning hatred in her gaze. Seeing her look at him that way hurt worse than the bullet wound in his foot. The only thing that hurt worse than the look in her eyes was knowing he deserved it, deserved the hatred of the girl he couldn't help but love.

_And this kind of pain, only time takes away._

_That's why it's harder to let you go._

_And nothing I can do, without thinking of you._

_That's why it's harder to let you go._

When Tris spun around and hooked him with her elbow, it took him a second to drop into his persona and catch her.

"I don't understand how you could possibly be stupid enough to come up here with no gun."

Could she hear the lack of conviction in his voice? Could she see in his eyes how much it pained him to insult her, when all he wanted to do was grab her and run? No, she couldn't. All she could see was the monster that she blamed for countless deaths. She could never, would never see the newly nineteen year old man who had fallen in love with her. And damnit, how he wished that man didn't exist in the first place.

_But if there's a pill to help me forget,_

_God knows I haven't found it yet._

_But I'm dying to, God I'm trying to._

The gunshot wound in his foot throbbed horrifically as he moved behind her to grab both of her arms. He should be pissed at her for it stomping it that way, it had hurt enough when she'd shot him there last month, but all he could feel for her was pride. She was a fighter, she didn't just lay down and let herself be beaten or controlled. It was something else that had drawn him to her, inexplicably and irrevocably, no matter how hard he tried to fight it.

_Cause trying not to love you, only goes so far._

His balls burned from her kick, but even with that he couldn't find it in himself to be angry, because he knew he deserved it, every last bit of it. He wished she knew how much it killed him to have to do this, to be her enemy when he only wanted to hold her, to pick her up and run somewhere they could be safe together. Gritting his teeth against the reaction he knew his actions would garner, Eric dug his thumb into the bullet wound in her shoulder. Her answering scream tore directly through his heart.

_Trying not to need you, is tearing me apart._

It killed him to be cruel to her, to drag her by the collar this way and force her to her knees in front of him. He was utterly trapped, though, in this course he was on. There was no way to escape, no way to deviate from it in any way. He had captured her, he would bring her to Jeanine where she would be tortured, and then he would kill her.

_Can't see the silver lining, from down here on the floor._

He saw her hand begin to creep backward, toward her pocket, and his eyes caught on the odd shape there - a knife. Again, smart girl. She hadn't been weaponless then, she had just chosen something more discreet. He wished he could let her keep it, but he had to play his part. Could she see the regret in his eyes as he yanked her to her feet long enough to take it from her? He didn't think so, but he tried anyway. She gave him a confused look, so maybe he had succeeded.

_And I just keep on trying, but I don't know what for._

For easily the tenth time that night, he lamented the fact that he loved her, that he couldn't just see her the way he did every other divergent in the room - just someone to be used and then disposed of.

_'Cause trying not to love you,_

_Only makes me love you more._

It had never been this hard for him to play his part, with her helpless on the floor, watching him and believing his façade. Her scream when he shot the boy was the worst yet, not only because he kept hurting her but because he knew that with each shot, he pushed her farther away. Maybe it would be easier on both of them if he just ended her life now. She wouldn't suffer any longer, the way he knew she had to be. And he wouldn't have to see the hatred, the accusation in her eyes every time she looked at him. For the first time in a long time, he felt weak, he felt his resolve waver.

_So I sit here divided, just talking to myself._

Her eyes widened in fear as he walked toward her, and he knew she was wishing desperately for the knife he had taken from her.

"My superiors suspect that you got two, Tris. They don't think you're that complex," and they were fucking fools for it too, "just an even blend of Abnegation and Dauntless - selfless to the point of idiocy. Or is that brave to the point of idiocy."

But she wasn't an idiot, she was brilliant and beautiful and loving. She would protect those she loved in whatever way she could.

"Just between you and me... I think you might have gotten three, because you're the type of bullheaded person who would refuse to make a simple choice just because she was told to."

And that was nothing but the truth. If only he could say the words lightly, jokingly instead of cruelly like he had to. God he wished he could be honest with her, tell her how sorry he was for everything he had done. He wished there was any way at all to make her not hate him. But even if he could, he would never be good enough for her. She would never love him, not with Four around. It was completely hopeless, even if he could somehow get them out of this.

_Was it something I did?_

_Was there somebody else?_

He couldn't do it though, he didn't have it in him to kill her, even to spare her what was coming. He dropped his gun and stared at her, realizing that he just couldn't do this. He would be expected to stand by as she was tortured, and then he would be expected to kill her when she had outlived her usefulness. And that was something that he just didn't have in him.

Which mean that that he had to find a way to save her.

_When a voice from behind me, that was fighting back tears,_

_Sat right down beside me, whispered right in my ear._

_Said I've been dying to tell you..._

Even if it meant he wouldn't survive it. And maybe, just maybe it wouldn't be so bad, if he died for her, died so she could live.

"But maybe we should keep you, stiff," he said with a grin, a plan forming in his mind. "You're different, maybe that means something."

Before fear could overtake him, he grabbed her by the arm and yanked her to her feet once more.

"What are you doing?" Came Max's sharp demand.

"Taking her back to Erudite," he responded roughly, dragging Tris toward the door.

Saving the girl I love, he added internally.

_Trying not to love you, only went so far._

_Trying not to need you, was tearing me apart._

"It can't wait ten minutes?"

"What would Jeanine say?" She would want her as soon as possible, and they both knew it. Max let him go without further argument, and Eric hauled her roughly through several hallways, he could feel her trying to twist away from him. He glanced behind himself quickly, nervously. He only had a couple of minutes before they finished and came after them. He would have to hurry.

He looked down at her anxiously, and seeing her exhaustion and how much pain she was in tore at him. He took another look behind them, and he could feel her confused gaze on him. She knew he shouldn't be acting like this, so nervously, that he wouldn't be if something wasn't up.

"Can you run?" He asked softly. The urgency in his voice and his gaze must have stopped what could have become an argument.

"No," she told him.

He swore softly before stopping, and scooped her up in his arms. She gave him a look of surprise, and with another nervous glance behind them he began to run.

He was racing toward his end and he knew it, but even the thought of his impending death couldn't stop the way his heart swelled, finally feeling her in his arms. For the first time, he saw what it could have been if he had never gotten mixed up with Jeanine. They could have had a good life, a fun life in Dauntless. If he hadn't had a persona to keep up during training, hadn't already been involved, he would have befriended her, eventually pursued her. And maybe, just maybe she would have let him, would have fallen in love with him.

_Now I see the silver lining, from what we're fighting for._

_We just keep on trying, we could be much more._

Eric had lost track of the twists and turns he had taken, and knew that it was the best he was going to get. Quickly he set her down, and she gave him a look of complete bewilderment.

"Can you find your way back to them, to Four from here?"

"Yes."

He nodded and swallowed thickly. This was the end. He had won her ten, perhaps fifteen minutes before she would be found. He had to be fast, so she would have time to get to the others, so they could protect her.

He grabbed her upper arms tightly, staring into her eyes with an incredible intensity. He could feel tears brimming in his eyes, but ignored them. He didn't have the time for shame or cowardice.

"You don't have long Tris. Fifteen minutes, max, before they find you. You have to find the others before they do, they're up and around somewhere, Cara broke off to get them and ambush the rest of us but she had to find them first, I don't know how long it's been or if she's found them yet."

"Eric, what's going on, what are you doing?" She was confused, and afraid too. He couldn't blame her. His heart was pounding, an unstoppable countdown. How cruel that he could finally have her to himself, tell her the truth only when he had next to no time. How torturous that every second, every heartbeat brought him closer to the inevitable.

She was worth it.

_'Cause trying not to love you,_

_Oh, yeah, trying not to love you_

The first tear finally welled up too high, the surface tension broke and it fell down his cheek.

"I couldn't do it. I couldn't take you back there, knowing what they're planning on doing. I can't kill you Tris. Maybe it makes me a coward but I just can't do it."

"Why?" Her voice was harsh now. "After everything else you've done, you can't kill me? I thought that's what you were dying to do."

Her tone was scathing and full of hate. He let himself flinch back from her words, closed his eyes against the burning rage in her own as more tears formed and fell.

There was a silence, and he felt her soft fingertip trace one of the wet tracks down his face. When he opened his eyes again, she was close to him, staring up at him with an unreadable expression. He thought he might have seen sadness there, though.

He released her arms slowly, lowering one hand to caress her waist while the other cupped her cheek. He needed to hurry, but he was being selfish. He let the pad of his thumb trace her features like he had longed to do for so long, following the contour of her cheekbone and the hollow of her cheek. Her warm breath brushed his thumb as he traced her lips.

"Because I love you Tris."

She opened her mouth to protest, to say something but he pressed his thumb more firmly against her mouth, stopping her words.

"Just listen, there isn't much time. I love you, and I can't let this happen to you if I can help it. I'm done with them and everything they're involved with. I've hated it from the beginning but Jeanine's had me trapped.

"But you know, and I know there's no place for me with the rest of you." Unable to speak through his thumb, she shook her head, and he could see the shimmer of tears in her own eyes.

"No, Tris. I've done too much. I don't have a place on either side of this, this is the end of the line for me. I know I have no right, but I have one thing I want to ask of you. My dying wish, if you will."

He moved his thumb, lowering his other hand to her waist with the first as he looked at her imploringly. He felt his gun, secure and steady at his hip. Soon.

"What?" She whispered. She was a true Abnegation, and the fact that she couldn't save him, even though he could see her trying to think of a way, was making her heart break. She didn't deserve this.

His tears flowed steadily and freely now, without break or pause.

"Kiss me Tris," he whispered pleadingly. "Make me think you love me, just for a minute. Give me something to hold on to."

He tugged her closer to him, the length of her body pressed against his own. It was a heavenly feeling, one he would never tire of. It was also one he had no time to enjoy.

He leaned in further, stopping an inch shy of her lips.

"Help me be brave Tris," he begged.

In a fraction of a second, her arms were around him and her mouth was on his, and he groaned at the sensation. One arm wound all the way around her waist as the other found the back of her head and fisted in her hair desperately.

_Only makes me love you more..._

He knew he should be careful, be gentler with her, but he just couldn't find the willpower to hold back. She would have bruises the next day, on her waist and her shoulders, where his hands were grasping now.

And she returned the kiss with equal ardor, one arm around his broad shoulders and the other making a fist in his hair, tugging it painfully. Somehow the pain only made it sweeter, made it more believable. He could feel her tears against his face as they kissed, desperate and passionate, bruising and fierce.

She kissed him back in a way that surprised him, shocked him even. There was so much passion there that it was hard to believe that she didn't love him. The thought crossed his mind that maybe, just maybe, she wanted this as much as he did.

That was what he wanted, the illusion that she wanted him, that she loved him.

It was time.

"I love you Tris," he told her fiercely, and his voice broke when he spoke again. "I love you."

He desperately hoped she would say it back, and he didn't have to wait long.

"I love you Eric," came her broken whisper.

His mouth returned to hers with broken desperation, and his sobs interrupted them as he clutched her tighter, kissing her with everything in him.

Eric trailed his hand down her body to her hip, holding her against him for another moment before moving his hand to his own hip.

The metal was cold against his hand as he grasped it, pulled it free, but the cold was washed away by the heat of her body against his, burned away by her passion as she kissed him.

Their tongues brushed and tangled as he pressed the barrel to his temple, and he replayed her words in his head over and over.

He focused hard on the feeling of her mouth on his and the way she held on to him, until she was the only thought in his mind.

She had done it, she had fulfilled his dying wish and convinced him she loved him.

She had given him the courage.

_Only makes me love you more..._

Eric pulled the trigger.

... ... ...

Tris walked up behind Eric slowly, tentatively. He hadn't been hard to find, but maybe that was simply because she wanted him. He stood strong and still, just as he always had. She forced back the image of the last time she had seen him, crumpled on the floor, with a gunshot in his temple and the ghost of a smile on his swollen lips.

She touched her hand to his shoulder and he spun quickly. His mouth formed a perfect 'O' of shock when he saw her. He hadn't expected her to be here, not so soon.

That made two of them.

"Tris? What are you doing here?"

It was a good question, but everything seemed so much simpler here. The way he kissed her had ignited something in her, and it had stayed with her day and night. The raw passion in the way he kissed her was something she had never experienced, and it had woken something in her heart, but it had been too late. She'd dreamt of it, of his death and the way he kissed her every night. No kiss of Tobias's had come close to what she had shared with Eric in the final moments of his life.

But that small amount of time between them and the memory of it had stayed with her, becoming a part of her until she fell in love with him too, fell in love with a man who had died to save her.

Eric couldn't help the shock he was feeling. She shouldn't have been there in front of him, not this soon. He had died so she would live, but here she was.

"What happened?" He asked, wrapping his arms tentatively around her. She allowed it, and wrapped her own arms around his neck in return.

"I did what I had to do."

"And Four, Christina? The rest of them?"

Tris repeated her mother's words. "They'll take care of each other. It's what people do."

"And me?" He asked softly.

_When a voice from behind me, that was fighting back tears_

_Sat right down beside me, whispered right in my ear_

_Said, I've been dying to tell you_

"I love you Eric," she said with a smile. Eric's heart swelled, and his lips met hers in a soft, tender kiss.

"I love you Tris," he returned softly.

_Trying not to love you, only went so far_

_Trying not to need you, was tearing me apart_

_Now I see the silver lining, from what we're fighting for_

_We just keep on trying, we could be much more_

_'Cause trying not to love you_

_Oh, yeah, trying not to love you_

_Only makes me love you more_

_Only makes me love you more_

**FIN**

**Originally this was supposed to end right after the line 'Eric pulled the trigger' but I just couldn't make myself end it there, like that, so I added the epilogue-esque bit here at the end, follwing the same vein as Tris's death scene where she sees her mother.**

**I made myself cry when I was working out the ideas for this, so pretty please don't hate me for it, I promise I feel your pain. It's part of why I added the last bit.**

**Again, please drop me a line and tell me what you thought.**


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